Look at this happy couple! A year ago, I wasn’t feeling so happy. In fact, I found myself once again wanting to throw it all away. Wanting to throw my hands up and say forget it, I’m done! God had other plans!
Just a year ago I was away at a retreat with a group of my leaders and peers. I stood in front of these ladies, some of whom I had known well, others not so much, and I confessed. For the first time since beginning my journey with Jesus, I wanted to end my marriage. I went into that weekend feeling hurt, exhausted, and really defeated. I had no intention of sharing that secret. I figured no one would fault me, I mean I have stuck it out for 9 years of marriage and 12 years together. After all, I tried. The key word there is I. I tried in my own strength, for the most part. I tried to will myself to feel something other than hate, resentment and anger towards him. Everything he did bugged me and would set me off. I wouldn’t always voice it outwardly but felt it internally. We had seen a decline in our relationship on all levels, but I had no fight in me. Years ago I declared and resolved in my heart that divorce wasn’t an option, but in a season of such turmoil, agony and exhaustion, it seemed to be the best plan. No one, including my husband, knew how unhappy I was. My unhappiness seemed to be masked in the fact that I had to go back to work after being home for 4 years.
It was a hard thing to do, to stand there and hear myself say those words. As I stood there I felt Gods love, as if it were a blanket wrap around me. After that confession, I had friends come up and encourage me. I now knew it was a lie I was believing.
Coming back from that weekend I realized things had to change. I love how in God’s perfect timing he brings a circumstance, a person or words of encouragement to point us back to Him. For me it was a person. A person I have known for years. We had a handful of conversations together, so I knew when she asked if I wanted to go deeper, and be mentored I was being asked to be involved in a raw, open, here I am, trusting type of relationship. I am happy to say it was the best yes I could have agreed to, next to saying yes to Jesus and my husband of course. See, when God brings people into your life and they push you towards Him, great things will happen. I began this journey in September where I received guidance and sought God like never before. I started to see my husband for who God sees him as. I prayed specifically for my husband and was given such insight from God on how to pray, it was amazing. I was encouraged to write a list of why I fell in love with Mark in the first place. I bought a journal that took me 6 months to fill out. I wrote down what I love about him, what my first impression was of him, and all the great things about him. I then gave it to Mark as a valentines day gift, which he loved!
Now here we are, a year later. After lots of tears, frustrating moments, seeking God, changing old thought patterns and taking a hard, honest look at my part in all of it, we are enjoying each others company again. Sitting next to him doesn’t make me feel like cringing and we are in the process of building the type of marriage I want my kids to have. Does that mean we don’t fight, NO, we had a blow up fight last night. It’s a work in progress. There are still moments when I feel like we take 3 steps back. BUT, we are quicker to forgive, allow for mistakes, and choose to see each other like God does. A pause for perspective allows us to have the type of discussions that before would of caused a full out war in our house, but now is spoken in love and received with grace. As we embark on celebrating 10 years of marriage in October, I’m excited to see how God will use our marriage and us as individuals, to bring glory to his kingdom.
Exploring life 