A tribute to my Grandma

Audrey Ruth Hogan. She passed away peacefully on a sunny Tuesday morning, at the age of 93 and 3/4 years old. My Dad made it just in time to spend her last night here on earth with her in a private Hospital room. It was peaceful in there. A few hours before that my Mom came in to see her, she got to give her a proper good-bye as well as so many of her Grandchildren, Kids and Friends. Many tears were shed and no words left unspoken. I wish that when my time comes my family is around me, keeping a vigil at my beside until the Lord comes to take me home. I know that she was unable to speak but holding her hand, rubbing her head, wetting her mouth and speaking things to her she heard it all and felt noting but love.

Growing up she was a strict, not always the lovey dovey type, that’s for sure. She showed love thru baking and having her family in her home. My grandfather passed away 15 years ago and she managed the house by herself until 3 days before she passed. Her wish was to actually pass in her house but that was just not possible. It took a village to keep her in her house but it was an honour to serve her, most days. To say she was set in her ways is an understatement. She often said “I don’t understand how none of these girls (PSWs) know how to make a poached egg?!” I would laugh most days but some days I would say “Grandma they are here to help you, be grateful.” I can laugh now but one night I cooked her dinner and served it with a spoon, she looked at me from her chair and Said: “What’s this?! You don’t eat dinner with a spoon!” I was SO frustrated but now I look back and I’m thankful for those times I got to help her out. I am fortunate that I was the first Grandchild born to her. We traveled to the farm where my Aunt and Uncle lived via Greyhound bus many times. She would say I was her little buddy when I was growing up. She was a woman who hardly showed emotions but yet I didn’t doubt that she loved me. Many times my sister and I would spend weekends playing at her house. So many memories of that place, now will be just that memories, as the house will be sold shortly. It didn’t matter how many people there where she always found room.

In that 2 bedroom house she raised 3 crazy boys. Over the years I have heard stories of how they would chuck the youngest one into the wall as practice for hockey. How she would wax the floors and they would run and slide from the front door to the back. I remember hiding in the pantry that was always full ceiling to floor. That dining room has seen new relationships blossom as they are brought to a family dinner, marriages succeed and fail. Grand-kids and great grand-kids that gathered for Christmas and Easter dinners in that dining room. Sometimes there would be so many of us that some would eat in the kitchen and some in the living room but she loved it. She loved having her family around her especially at the holidays. This Christmas was an extra special one as most of us gathered for what we thought would be her last one. It was stressful for everyone. She was for the most part bed ridden but it didn’t stop her from drilling orders to the kitchen on how to make the turkey, stuffing etC. We said Grandma you may not be cooking this year but there is not a doubt that your hands have made it. It was so nice to have everyone there but deep down we all knew why we made it a priority.

She was blessed with 7 Grandchildren, and 3 Great Grandchildren. She loved us all but man, those Great Grand babies were her favorite. Thankfully both my sister and I made it a point to bring those kids to see her, cause you couldn’t deny how much they made her happy. The last time I brought my kids to see her at the house we had a talk about how “Gigi” was very sleepy and we need to be quiet. When we walked in and my kids went over to give her a kiss her eyes light up and she smiled at them before going back to sleep. My oldest who is 11 made the very brave decision to go to the hospital and say good bye. As a Mom it broke my heart to watch her as she held her hand, told her she was going to miss her and bawled her eyes out at her bedside. As she kissed her good bye my heart broke but I was so very proud of her and how she conducted herself in such an emotional situation. Her level of compassion and composure was beyond what I thought she could handle. We said to her that she was old enough to make that choice to go and I am so glad that we allowed that to happen.

I have learned from her how to cook new dishes that she loved. I mastered poached eggs 😉 that it is not about the size of your house, you can always make room. I learned what it means be a tough cookie, to fight for what you want and not to be pushed around by anyone. To take time to do the things you love and not never stop trying new things. Later on in life she loved to colour and did an amazing job of it!! She taught me the value of family meals not just on holidays but daily. Thursday dinners became a thing that we did with her and she always looked forward to it no matter how she was feeling. It started out last year by her cooking us dinner, then us doing it together to me cooking for all of us. She taught me that life will throw you curve balls but what you do with it is what matters not that its coming for you. She fought to the end for what she wanted and didn’t care who agreed or disagreed with her. Her noodle was sharp until the end and I pray that be the case for me. She was determined and never gave up. She adapted to what life threw at her and never looked backwards. She lived for today cause she would say who knows what tomorrow will bring, how true.

Grandma and I hanging out.

I am thankful for the time I had with her. I’m thankful for her back porch that swung babies, TV that keep them busy and a kitchen that kept their bellies full. I’m thankful for a giant backyard that kept us busy, that hosted parties and summer memories that were made. I’m thankful that she was a gatherer of her family. I don’t know what holidays without her will look like, but I know there will be stories told, dishes of hers used and laughs shared. I know she will be looking down from heaven cheering us on as we cook our different meals in our new holiday norm, teasing me for my lack of cooking abilities but most of all, smiling down on all of us. She made her mark on our lives and I’m so thankful for all the memories. Until me meet again Grandma, love ya!

Until next time, keep on Exploring life.

Jen

What I have learned from the man in the woods part 2

Well thanks for coming back, I have been so absent from the blog not because I don’t enjoy blogging but simply cause I didn’t put it as a priority in my life. SO that is going to change! Well here is part 2 of what I learned from my weekend in the woods with my Dad. If you missed part 1 here is the link https://wordpress.com/post/sarookj.wordpress.com/11981

 

My time with my Dad was something that I will look forward to again this year. What I learned was that, yes I can unplug and just enjoy the surroundings that are around me. It was amazing listening to my Dad talk about when He was growing up and listening to Him talk about his life at this cottage He calls home. It was awesome to listen to Him tell me to just relax, sleep in as long as possible, Ok! It was nice to wake up and my Dad had already made coffee and was outside cleaning up and had already feed the deer. It was cool and rainy while I was there, we still took walks and the rain didn’t bother us. We wandered around and he showed me some of his friends places and the Beaver dam that I had heard Him talk about for a while. It was nice to put an actual view to what I have heard Him speak about for a few years. It was nice to just watch Him enjoy telling me things and showing me around. It was nice to watch Him in His element and the pride He has in His tiny place in the woods. I really enjoyed waking up and walking around, hearing the birds and watching the deer that came to his place a couple times a day. It was peaceful taking my coffee to the covered bridge and watching the ever so slow stream go by. It was nice to just be and watch and absorb and exhale.

I went there at at time when things where out of sorts, upside down and when I found myself crying most of the drive up asking God “why am I in this season?!” I felt very alone, unsure of where relationships where heading and where I felt like my life was imploding back home. I felt like these few short days away, where there was no form of communication other then with my Dad who I felt I hardly knew, to a place I had only heard of was exactly what I needed. God knew I needed it. I had heard of time where people would say I just need to get away and clear my head, I would think, why?! I got it. I got away and cleared my head. I came back more connected with my Dad, and with a clearer view of life back home. What did I learn when I was away?

I learned that its not about “stuff” my Dad lives a very simple life, in a very simple place but I believe He is the happiest I have seen him in years. I learned its important to carve out time for yourself doing what you love. My Dad loves being out in the woods, with his deers and putting around the cottage, I enjoyed taking time to colour in my adult colouring books, I need to do that more. I learned that its not only ok to unplug but you won’t die doing it. You really don’t miss much by unplugging. There would be NO way I could catch up on my Facebook timeline for the 4 days I was away. Guess what? No one said did you see…blah blah blah, I really didn’t miss much. If it was that important then a few people knew how to get a hold of me if need be. I also learned that I do have stuff in common with my Dad and when given the time I can learn from Him. I also learned that God is full of surprises. I learned that my Dad reads his Bible daily  and that he feels a peace and calmness that comes upon Him when he does. I learned to take time out for those that have gone before you because one day they won’t be there and you won’t get the chance to ask them. I also learned, don’t be scared to ask. What is the worst they say, “I don’t want to talk about it!” So you move on, and continue the conversation. Who do you need to let into your life that may of caused pain to you in the past? Of course this comes with boundaries and wisdom as to who that person may be. Life is short and we need to let God move so we need to get out of the way and stop trying to avoid those God given chances to connect with others.

 

Until next time,

Jen

 

 

 

 

 

 

A weekend in the woods with a man I hardly know.

It sounds weird doesn’t it, the choice to spend a weekend in the woods with a man I hardly knew?! Well it’s true I did. It was back in October. I made the drive alone, 5.5 hours away from home, to a place I knew only a little bit about growing up to meet up with Him. The plan was to stay in the city, but I knew how much He loved his little place in the woods. After only a couple of days in the city, I insisted we go to the cottage in the woods. He reminded me that it’s 4.4 km in the woods with no cell reception, no one really around at the base of a mountain. I said I’m excited to see it! Inside I was actually a bit scared to be honest. NO contact with the outside world?! Just him and I in this cottage…While fear ran through my mind, I have never been alone with this man for at least 30 years, what will we talk about? What if there is awkward silence? What if I just hate it and want to go home? Did I mention, what will we talk about?!

Let me give you some history, so that you can understand why I was so nervous to spend time alone with this man in the woods, who is my Dad. My Mom and Dad meet when they were very young, and then when they were not that much older, decided to get married. My mom was 18 and my dad 20 at the time. A year later I was born, and at the time my mom was 19 and 5 days later turned 20. Needless to say, I am to this day, the best birthday gift she has ever received.. Shortly after I was born, things began to change for them. Just like his parents, my Dad got into drinking, and would become violent and miserable. He would go on hunting trips and return whenever He wanted.  They tried to make things work again once my sister came along but by then, my Dad was in deep into drinking and drugs. We moved many times cause of the type of people my dad was in “business” with. From a young age I remember watching my Dad deal drugs, get violent, make and break plans and then one day, he just disappeared. The lifestyle of moving around a lot continued for many years and even included a whole city change when I was 10 years old.

One day I was visiting my Grandmother and She had some company that was over, some family from the Ottawa area. I really feel like this was a moment I will never forget, it was a cool summer day and my 2nd cousin and I were sitting outside on my Grandmothers large swing with the woven plastic cushions. My Cousin said to me “we went to Uncle Mark’s for dinner. Whitney is SO nice and a great cook and the baby is super cute” well uncle Mark was my Dad. I don’t remember acting shocked but I said, Mark as in my Dad?! Keep in mind, He feel off the face of the earth, 6 years ago. My own Grandmother swore up and down to my Mom that She had no idea where Her son, my Dad was. I remember being so hurt, shocked, and yet excited.  As soon as my Mom picked us up She knew something wasn’t right. I told Her what I was told and well, my Grandma got a call and not long after that my Dad called my Mom. It was true He was living in the Ottawa area with Whitney and they had a little Baby. By now I am in grade 8, because life at that age isn’t confusing enough! He ended up coming back to Hamilton for a visit and brought Whitney and the Baby for my Sister and I to meet. After that meeting in the winter, my Mom and Her husband at the time took us to their place and let us stay for a week. My Mom and Her husband stayed in the area for a few days before heading back home to make sure we were ok and comfortable. My sister and I ended up making the journey to our Dad’s for years to come in the winter and summer, but I had never been alone with him. I do have some memories of time with my Dad, doing puzzles, cooking him fake food, and playing in parks but there was always someone else there. My Sister then once I got married, my husband and kids, when we would e visiting him. This was a big step for me, but I knew God had my back.

Part 2 will talk about what it was like being alone with my Dad, and what I learned from him while I was there.

The first picture was after a walk we took in the city, and my Dad explaining to me about the mushrooms that where growing in the park. The 2nd one is of the deer at the cottage that come 2 times a day for apples, Mama and Jr.

 

Until next time,

 

Jen