Hello, again.

Well it’s been a while since I last blogged. I didn’t want to write for the sake of writing nor did I even know what to write about.

So if you’re new here to my little part of the world, welcome!! I’m happy you’re here. Many things have changed since my last time, the biggest being my geographic location. My family and I including my mom moved from Ontario to New Brunswick. For those who don’t know their Canadian geography that’s 2 provinces over. 16 hours away from where we came from. We knew no one but felt called here. Don’t worry there will be more talks about that later.

For now I just wanted to reintroduce myself, let you know I’m here and can’t wait to share more with you.

Until next time,

Jen

A tribute to my Grandma

Audrey Ruth Hogan. She passed away peacefully on a sunny Tuesday morning, at the age of 93 and 3/4 years old. My Dad made it just in time to spend her last night here on earth with her in a private Hospital room. It was peaceful in there. A few hours before that my Mom came in to see her, she got to give her a proper good-bye as well as so many of her Grandchildren, Kids and Friends. Many tears were shed and no words left unspoken. I wish that when my time comes my family is around me, keeping a vigil at my beside until the Lord comes to take me home. I know that she was unable to speak but holding her hand, rubbing her head, wetting her mouth and speaking things to her she heard it all and felt noting but love.

Growing up she was a strict, not always the lovey dovey type, that’s for sure. She showed love thru baking and having her family in her home. My grandfather passed away 15 years ago and she managed the house by herself until 3 days before she passed. Her wish was to actually pass in her house but that was just not possible. It took a village to keep her in her house but it was an honour to serve her, most days. To say she was set in her ways is an understatement. She often said “I don’t understand how none of these girls (PSWs) know how to make a poached egg?!” I would laugh most days but some days I would say “Grandma they are here to help you, be grateful.” I can laugh now but one night I cooked her dinner and served it with a spoon, she looked at me from her chair and Said: “What’s this?! You don’t eat dinner with a spoon!” I was SO frustrated but now I look back and I’m thankful for those times I got to help her out. I am fortunate that I was the first Grandchild born to her. We traveled to the farm where my Aunt and Uncle lived via Greyhound bus many times. She would say I was her little buddy when I was growing up. She was a woman who hardly showed emotions but yet I didn’t doubt that she loved me. Many times my sister and I would spend weekends playing at her house. So many memories of that place, now will be just that memories, as the house will be sold shortly. It didn’t matter how many people there where she always found room.

In that 2 bedroom house she raised 3 crazy boys. Over the years I have heard stories of how they would chuck the youngest one into the wall as practice for hockey. How she would wax the floors and they would run and slide from the front door to the back. I remember hiding in the pantry that was always full ceiling to floor. That dining room has seen new relationships blossom as they are brought to a family dinner, marriages succeed and fail. Grand-kids and great grand-kids that gathered for Christmas and Easter dinners in that dining room. Sometimes there would be so many of us that some would eat in the kitchen and some in the living room but she loved it. She loved having her family around her especially at the holidays. This Christmas was an extra special one as most of us gathered for what we thought would be her last one. It was stressful for everyone. She was for the most part bed ridden but it didn’t stop her from drilling orders to the kitchen on how to make the turkey, stuffing etC. We said Grandma you may not be cooking this year but there is not a doubt that your hands have made it. It was so nice to have everyone there but deep down we all knew why we made it a priority.

She was blessed with 7 Grandchildren, and 3 Great Grandchildren. She loved us all but man, those Great Grand babies were her favorite. Thankfully both my sister and I made it a point to bring those kids to see her, cause you couldn’t deny how much they made her happy. The last time I brought my kids to see her at the house we had a talk about how “Gigi” was very sleepy and we need to be quiet. When we walked in and my kids went over to give her a kiss her eyes light up and she smiled at them before going back to sleep. My oldest who is 11 made the very brave decision to go to the hospital and say good bye. As a Mom it broke my heart to watch her as she held her hand, told her she was going to miss her and bawled her eyes out at her bedside. As she kissed her good bye my heart broke but I was so very proud of her and how she conducted herself in such an emotional situation. Her level of compassion and composure was beyond what I thought she could handle. We said to her that she was old enough to make that choice to go and I am so glad that we allowed that to happen.

I have learned from her how to cook new dishes that she loved. I mastered poached eggs 😉 that it is not about the size of your house, you can always make room. I learned what it means be a tough cookie, to fight for what you want and not to be pushed around by anyone. To take time to do the things you love and not never stop trying new things. Later on in life she loved to colour and did an amazing job of it!! She taught me the value of family meals not just on holidays but daily. Thursday dinners became a thing that we did with her and she always looked forward to it no matter how she was feeling. It started out last year by her cooking us dinner, then us doing it together to me cooking for all of us. She taught me that life will throw you curve balls but what you do with it is what matters not that its coming for you. She fought to the end for what she wanted and didn’t care who agreed or disagreed with her. Her noodle was sharp until the end and I pray that be the case for me. She was determined and never gave up. She adapted to what life threw at her and never looked backwards. She lived for today cause she would say who knows what tomorrow will bring, how true.

Grandma and I hanging out.

I am thankful for the time I had with her. I’m thankful for her back porch that swung babies, TV that keep them busy and a kitchen that kept their bellies full. I’m thankful for a giant backyard that kept us busy, that hosted parties and summer memories that were made. I’m thankful that she was a gatherer of her family. I don’t know what holidays without her will look like, but I know there will be stories told, dishes of hers used and laughs shared. I know she will be looking down from heaven cheering us on as we cook our different meals in our new holiday norm, teasing me for my lack of cooking abilities but most of all, smiling down on all of us. She made her mark on our lives and I’m so thankful for all the memories. Until me meet again Grandma, love ya!

Until next time, keep on Exploring life.

Jen

Update on Homeschooling

Well, we are back into the swing of life! Big changes in the way we School this year has taken place, or one –  we have a dedicated School room now, yeah!!!!! I LOVE this space. I feel that it allows the kids space to learn and be creative. I made my own bulletin boards for each of the kids complete with some “tips” to help them out as well as reward charts! I am all about the positive affirmations! In this post I will go into more detail as to how the reward charts work and what our homeschooling day typically looks like. One thing I would suggest and have found it to be invaluable is finding someone you can bounce ideas off of and to have some time to have a hang out, with the kids. For me I have formed a new friendship with someone whom we have some similar friends but never really hung out together. Well I am SO THANKFUL for this friendship!!! She is very creative, seems to know all the cool programs and websites and is so fun to hang out with! We both started around the same time homeschooling so we are both figuring this out together, it is also awesome to note that our husbands get along so even double dates have happened, well one double date has happened – but we had so much fun I know many more will happen! We have made it a priority to meet up once a week and go to the library. This is much for us as it is the kids. They get out and get to get new books and continue to learn and well, we get to sit and have a tea, or try to amidst many interruptions by our sweet babies.

Our typical day is pretty straight forward to be honest. We start our day by praying for whatever needs we find to be of importance, right now we are praying for our church’s second campus and a permit we need to get to open our doors! Then our family devotional and journaling. This book is new to our personal library, “Sheila Walsh’s Family Devotions”. Then we switch which one goes first doing their flash cards.  We switch between spelling for Kennedy and math and for Cole sight words and math. Then into the books they go. This year we switched from a computer based program curriculum to books. For Cole I made up a binder for the first 4 weeks which was all review of what we have done last year to make sure that his skills where sharp. Starting next week he is back to his grade 1 Complete Canadian Curriculum book as well as reading 9 pages from a level 1 reader, and 5 pages from a level 2 reader. Spelling is his area of opportunity so his day is heavy in reading. Kennedy is doing a grade 5 Complete math and English smart books as well as a grade 6 Complete Canadian Curriculum book for extra English, spelling, science and socials. She also has a Canadian geography book that gets done 2 times a week. Next month we are going to introduce French. We also signed up for Letters from Afar, I would recommend looking them up on Instagram! Monthly we get a letter from “Isabelle” who is an explorer and it tells of her adventures. We then go and do some research on where she is, some of the local things that are common and then do a small presentation with our friends. It’s a great way to teach them about the world, what other cultures do and also gives them public speaking experience. We have a giant wall map and when we get a new letter we move the arrow to show where Isabelle is for the month we are studying her. We also on the map have an arrow for a friend of ours who travels for Ministry, so the kids can also see how far he travels, where he travels too and gives them a visual of where in the world he is. The kids came up with the idea and I love it.

The reward charts are super fun! The kids each have 2 of them. Kennedy’s 2 are for good behavior/80% on tests and the other is for being patient with her Brother as he reads to her. I felt this was important to teach her patience, to show her that not everyone learns the same as you and to have pride in teaching her Brother how to read. Some days as I watch them, I am so happy I did this and other days I want to call it off! Cole’s 2 are for good behavior and his 2nd one is for reading to Kennedy with a good attitude. Lets be real, siblings don’t really like to work together a whole lot so this has been good for him to learn that his Sister wants to help him and for her to learn how to be gentle and kind in a leadership role while getting your point across. It also for both of them, I feel prepares them for marriage one day, not to each other let me clarify, lol. I often say “listen one day you will be married and that person won’t always make you very happy or might do things to anger you BUT your partners so you have to learn to work through it, speak to each other with kindness and respect so this is a training ground for your future marriages, WORK IT OUT”!! I figure it’s never too young to teach them lessons that will hopefully propel them into the future full of successes, time will tell.

Here are some pictures of what the school room looks like, before it gets messed up in a day.

 

 

 

 

Until next time, keep exploring life.

 

Jen

A trip of a lifetime, PARIS, FRANCE!

Yep, I got to go to Paris, France. I can’t even type fast enough to tell you how this was such an amazing trip, how a dream came true and how much I cried on the trip! When the pilot said “Welcome to Paris France” I bawled like a baby, I couldn’t make it stop if I tried! I first began to fall in love with Paris when I was in High School. I don’t remember what it was but I wanted to go backpacking to Paris. Due to circumstances it just never happened. Life got busy, mainly I got married, was working full time and had some kids. I have never looked back and thought well, “I wasted those years, I should of traveled but I never let go of the dream to go to Paris.” I wrote a blog a couple of years ago about dreams (You can read it here https://wordpress.com/post/sarookj.wordpress.com/11804 )

Well now fast forward to May 16th, 2018 and I have now just landed in a city I love but have never met. It was like a blind date but I was already in love, head over heels to be honest but yet had never meet this place that I had built up so much in my head. To be honest I was a bit scared that I had made it some big, giant beautiful place that I love, but when I get there what if I don’t think it is what I feel it should be like?! What if it doesn’t live up to my dreams?! What if I’m a bit disappointed by it all?! I never thought that I would hate it but I was worried it wasn’t going to be all that I made it out to be. It’s the day before my 36th birthday and we are boarding the plane. First I’m traveling with one of my best friends so right there it’s going to be a great time. We got our luggage all checked, and now we wait. We walked around the airport, made a phone call to a friend and ate some snacks before getting on the plane. I was a bit worried about the flight, it was the longest flight I have ever been on and my friend doesn’t like to fly. To be honest it was a great flight! We got some good eats, by airplane standards, watched some movies and I slept a broken two hours. Landing was smooth, and now we were in another country.

To be honest the airport was nothing to write home about. Looked no different than the one we left in, other then we couldn’t read the signs now! Oh, and Eiffel towers were everywhere. We managed to get to our Air Bnb apartment, it was SO cute! It was a bit of a journey to get there but once we did, we loved it.  It was very Parisian and every day a fresh market was set up and tore down, the sights and sounds were amazing. Day 1 it was my birthday and we went to the Eiffel and ate the most delicious pasta I have ever had, oh and let me tell you about the Crème brûlée. I’m drooling just thinking about it!

 This is the open air market that was set up everday, it was 4                                                        blocks long!!!!

 

Oh my, this was by far one of the best meals we had!

 

My friend Jen or as we call her, “Tall”. Yes that is really her name, Jen but when 2 of your best friends have the same name as you, you end up with nicknames. So Tall said ” I know you know you’re in Paris BUT it won’t be real until you see the Eiffel Tower”. So we found out how to get there and she was right! I was in awe at this beautiful metal landmark and I couldn’t help but be aware that my mouth may of been hanging open, I was here, IN Paris, dreams DO come true! What kind of tourist would we be if we didn’t enjoy a crepe at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower?! It was full of Nutella, and it was amazing.

 

Day 2 was Notre Dame church, wow that stain glass window is incredible! We walked the Champs-Élysées and seeing the Eiffel Tower at night from a different view. Day 3 was full of fun as well, The Louvre at night, as well at the Montrepasse Tower and of course more food!  Day 4 We also ventured to Versailles and did a river boat tour. Day 5 was a full day of rest, much needed I might add. Day 6 We ventured out to Monet’s Garden, which I can do a whole blog post just about the pure beauty of that place followed by the most amazing pizza at a small restaurant in the area we were living in.

When we had our rest day,  I went out and got us some breakfast and lunch,  croissants and a baguette sandwich, cause I mean what else would one eat in Paris?! We just chilled in our apartment and watched Netflix all day, it was needed and amazing! We also went to the War Museum in Paris and ate some more. We ate a lot, but man did we walk it off, who knew Paris has so many stairs!!!!! There was one last visit to the Eiffel Tower, one more delicious dinner and an early bed time because we headed to London, England the next day. Seven days in Paris was a dream, I often look back at the pictures to make sure I’m in them, because it just seems like a dream that I just haven’t woken up from yet.

Until next time, keep on Exploring Life.

With love,

Jen

A weekend in the woods with a man I hardly know.

It sounds weird doesn’t it, the choice to spend a weekend in the woods with a man I hardly knew?! Well it’s true I did. It was back in October. I made the drive alone, 5.5 hours away from home, to a place I knew only a little bit about growing up to meet up with Him. The plan was to stay in the city, but I knew how much He loved his little place in the woods. After only a couple of days in the city, I insisted we go to the cottage in the woods. He reminded me that it’s 4.4 km in the woods with no cell reception, no one really around at the base of a mountain. I said I’m excited to see it! Inside I was actually a bit scared to be honest. NO contact with the outside world?! Just him and I in this cottage…While fear ran through my mind, I have never been alone with this man for at least 30 years, what will we talk about? What if there is awkward silence? What if I just hate it and want to go home? Did I mention, what will we talk about?!

Let me give you some history, so that you can understand why I was so nervous to spend time alone with this man in the woods, who is my Dad. My Mom and Dad meet when they were very young, and then when they were not that much older, decided to get married. My mom was 18 and my dad 20 at the time. A year later I was born, and at the time my mom was 19 and 5 days later turned 20. Needless to say, I am to this day, the best birthday gift she has ever received.. Shortly after I was born, things began to change for them. Just like his parents, my Dad got into drinking, and would become violent and miserable. He would go on hunting trips and return whenever He wanted.  They tried to make things work again once my sister came along but by then, my Dad was in deep into drinking and drugs. We moved many times cause of the type of people my dad was in “business” with. From a young age I remember watching my Dad deal drugs, get violent, make and break plans and then one day, he just disappeared. The lifestyle of moving around a lot continued for many years and even included a whole city change when I was 10 years old.

One day I was visiting my Grandmother and She had some company that was over, some family from the Ottawa area. I really feel like this was a moment I will never forget, it was a cool summer day and my 2nd cousin and I were sitting outside on my Grandmothers large swing with the woven plastic cushions. My Cousin said to me “we went to Uncle Mark’s for dinner. Whitney is SO nice and a great cook and the baby is super cute” well uncle Mark was my Dad. I don’t remember acting shocked but I said, Mark as in my Dad?! Keep in mind, He feel off the face of the earth, 6 years ago. My own Grandmother swore up and down to my Mom that She had no idea where Her son, my Dad was. I remember being so hurt, shocked, and yet excited.  As soon as my Mom picked us up She knew something wasn’t right. I told Her what I was told and well, my Grandma got a call and not long after that my Dad called my Mom. It was true He was living in the Ottawa area with Whitney and they had a little Baby. By now I am in grade 8, because life at that age isn’t confusing enough! He ended up coming back to Hamilton for a visit and brought Whitney and the Baby for my Sister and I to meet. After that meeting in the winter, my Mom and Her husband at the time took us to their place and let us stay for a week. My Mom and Her husband stayed in the area for a few days before heading back home to make sure we were ok and comfortable. My sister and I ended up making the journey to our Dad’s for years to come in the winter and summer, but I had never been alone with him. I do have some memories of time with my Dad, doing puzzles, cooking him fake food, and playing in parks but there was always someone else there. My Sister then once I got married, my husband and kids, when we would e visiting him. This was a big step for me, but I knew God had my back.

Part 2 will talk about what it was like being alone with my Dad, and what I learned from him while I was there.

The first picture was after a walk we took in the city, and my Dad explaining to me about the mushrooms that where growing in the park. The 2nd one is of the deer at the cottage that come 2 times a day for apples, Mama and Jr.

 

Until next time,

 

Jen

 

 

 

 

 

How I feel vs Character

Well folks I have been back to work for over a year now, it seems like so much more time has passed. We have gotten into the groove of managing a busy life filled with work, school, church and those moments where we can take a pause and enjoy our family time. SO much has happened in the last year. To start my amazing husband got a position in a job he loves. My daughter went into grade 4, and my son still keeps me hopping, even knowing he is at school in SK. In the time he has been going to school, he has managed to get a concussion, got into trouble for putting his own disco party on by playing with the lights, smashed urinal pucks all over the bathroom and got into fights with other kids. That’s my boy! Thankfully he has amazing teachers who are patient and understanding. This year there has been an improvement already in his behaviour which has been a breathe of fresh air.
We have also had some curveballs thrown into the busyness. Two trips to the hospital with my son, one of which resulted in me going to work on 1 hour of sleep. The flu went through our house, and I myself had two trips to urgent care, as well as a crazy virus.
Ontop of my family life, there is my job. We had a store renovation, change in management and a busy holiday season with Black Friday, Christmas, and Boxing Day. Work life is difficult, interesting and definitely challenging. While working in a retail job is not new to me, this is a whole different beast. The level of inventory, involvement and standards is like nothing I have seen before. Despite the challenges I have had with the job, (I shall not bore you with details) I learned something new about myself. I learned building character is not done when you live by your emotions. 
This job has built a lot of character in me. Every day, I’m serious, EVERY day, I bawled my eyes out driving 45 minutes to work. Now this didn’t just go on for the first week I started, but went on for the first two and a half months!!! Why? Well many reasons, some days it was staffing challenges, some days I just missed being at home with my family, some days it was because I was not welcomed warmly by my new co workers,  and some days it was mommy guilt. I began to feel isolated, and for me that was hard to feel. Lonely is not a fun emotion, but God reminded me that even though I may feel lonely, He is always with me. 
So how did this all change? How did the tears stop flowing on my drive to work? Well, I resolved in my spirit that God placed me there for a reason. Despite all these new challenges and feelings, I realized it was God showing me how to trust Him, lean on Him and allow Him to work something new in me. I’m a fighter, I will not shrink back, but will stand strong with my head held high. When I would make a mistake God gave me grace, even when people didn’t. If I felt down on myself, I would remind myself who my heavenly Daddy is, and who He says I am. See, character building is NOT fun, but it brings you closer to God IF you allow it. I am SO thankful for my encouraging family and friends thru this major transition. I know the rest of 2016 is going to be AMAZING!More of God, less of me.

Here is an example of how I feel vs building character. Yep the one on the left is after I have cried all the way to work and the one on the right is me choosing character over emotions.  Have an AMAZING week!

Jen

What a happy couple, a year changed it all

Look at this happy couple! A year ago, I wasn’t feeling so happy. In fact, I found myself once again wanting to throw it all away. Wanting to throw my hands up and say forget it, I’m done! God had other plans!

Just a year ago I was away at a retreat with a group of my leaders and peers. I stood in front of these ladies, some of whom I had known well, others not so much, and I confessed. For the first time since beginning my journey with Jesus, I wanted to end my marriage. I went into that weekend feeling hurt, exhausted, and really defeated. I had no intention of sharing that secret. I figured no one would fault me, I mean I have stuck it out for 9 years of marriage and 12 years together. After all, I tried. The key word there is I. I tried in my own strength, for the most part. I tried to will myself to feel something other than hate, resentment and anger towards him. Everything he did bugged me and would set me off. I wouldn’t always voice it outwardly but felt it internally. We had seen a decline in our relationship on all levels, but I had no fight in me. Years ago I declared and resolved in my heart that divorce wasn’t an option, but in a season of such turmoil, agony and exhaustion, it seemed to be the best plan. No one, including my husband, knew how unhappy I was. My unhappiness seemed to be masked in the fact that I had to go back to work after being home for 4 years.

It was a hard thing to do, to stand there and hear myself say those words. As I stood there I felt Gods love, as if it were a blanket wrap around me. After that confession, I had friends come up and encourage me. I now knew it was a lie I was believing.

Coming back from that weekend I realized things had to change. I love how in God’s perfect timing he brings a circumstance, a person or words of encouragement to point us back to Him. For me it was a person. A person I have known for years. We had a handful of conversations together, so I knew when she asked if I wanted to go deeper, and be mentored I was being asked to be involved in a raw, open, here I am, trusting type of relationship. I am happy to say it was the best yes I could have agreed to, next to saying yes to Jesus and my husband of course. See, when God brings people into your life and they push you towards Him, great things will happen.  I began this journey in September where I received guidance and sought God like never before. I started to see my husband for who God sees him as. I prayed specifically for my husband and was given such insight from God on how to pray, it was amazing. I was encouraged to write a list of why I fell in love with Mark in the first place. I bought a journal that took me 6 months to fill out. I wrote down what I love about him, what my first impression was of him, and all the great things about him. I then gave it to Mark as a valentines day gift, which he loved!

Now here we are, a year later. After lots of tears, frustrating moments, seeking God, changing old thought patterns and taking a hard, honest look at my part in all of it, we are enjoying each others company again. Sitting next to him doesn’t make me feel like cringing and we are in the process of building the type of marriage I want my kids to have. Does that mean we don’t fight, NO, we had a blow up fight last night. It’s a work in progress. There are still moments when I feel like we take 3 steps back. BUT, we are quicker to forgive, allow for mistakes, and choose to see each other like God does. A pause for perspective allows us to have the type of discussions that before would of caused a full out war in our house, but now is spoken in love and received with grace. As we embark on celebrating 10 years of marriage in October, I’m excited to see how God will use our marriage and us as individuals, to bring glory to his kingdom.

I knew the day was coming!

I knew the day would come, the day some Moms look forward to, the day some Moms dread, the day kids anticipate or wish would be delayed, the day I send my baby to school for the 1st time and my big girl into grade 3!

4 years ago when I sent my sweet daughter on her way to kindergarten I wept but when I left felt ok cause I had my sweet 1 year old to distract me from the ache my heart was feeling that day. Well in only a couple of days, with backpacks filled, lunch planned out in my mind, worse case  scenarios running thru my mind of reactions from him I don’t feel any more prepared then I did 4 years ago.

I will admit when one of my friends talked about sending her last one to school and how she would “baby” him I would say come on, why treat him any different then the others. Well now I understand! I understand the special place your 1st born holds in your heart but I understand the ache you feel about your baby growing up well, too fast.

I try not to treat him any different then my oldest, hold him to the same standards of our house but admittedly He has gotten away with a few extra bad attitudes. I have tortured myself with blogs about sending your baby to kindergarten, and posts about the 1st day of school. I have sat and wept like a baby, and just allowed myself to fall apart. These new overwhelming feeling of sadness about this new season has let me know its ok to be sad. Its ok to allow those moments to happen and its ok if your best friend laughs at you like your crazy, cause often in life we don’t take the moments to allow the weight, sadness, excitement and all other feelings to be felt. We have become a numbed out society who in alot of cases just let life pass us by. So yes I know after the first couple of days home alone, by myself I will begin to enjoy the new norm. I will have days with my kids and myself off cause ontop of him going to school, I’m going back to work full time for the 1st time in 4 years. I’m sure after a while I’m going to wish they where both in school on my day off but other days I will be happy to share my day with them. But for now I will allow the weight of heaviness to penetrate my soul, feel it but not stay there. To my kids I will be excited and happy and a cheerleader for both of them but when I get in my car I might just fall apart but not allow myself to stay there all day.

I knew the day was coming!

I knew the day would come, the day some Moms look forward to, the day some Moms dread, the day kids anticipate or wish would be delayed, the day I send my baby to school for the 1st time and my big girl into grade 3!

4 years ago when I sent my sweet daughter on her way to kindergarten I wept but when I left felt ok cause I had my sweet 1 year old to distract me from the ache my heart was feeling that day. Well in only a couple of days, with backpacks filled, lunch planned out in my mind, worse case  scenarios running thru my mind of reactions from him I don’t feel any more prepared then I did 4 years ago.

I will admit when one of my friends talked about sending her last one to school and how she would “baby” him I would say come on, why treat him any different then the others. Well now I understand! I understand the special place your 1st born holds in your heart but I understand the ache you feel about your baby growing up well, too fast.

I try not to treat him any different then my oldest, hold him to the same standards of our house but admittedly He has gotten away with a few extra bad attitudes. I have tortured myself with blogs about sending your baby to kindergarten, and posts about the 1st day of school. I have sat and wept like a baby, and just allowed myself to fall apart. These new overwhelming feeling of sadness about this new season has let me know its ok to be sad. Its ok to allow those moments to happen and its ok if your best friend laughs at you like your crazy, cause often in life we don’t take the moments to allow the weight, sadness, excitement and all other feelings to be felt. We have become a numbed out society who in alot of cases just let life pass us by. So yes I know after the first couple of days home alone, by myself I will begin to enjoy the new norm. I will have days with my kids and myself off cause ontop of him going to school, I’m going back to work full time for the 1st time in 4 years. I’m sure after a while I’m going to wish they where both in school on my day off but other days I will be happy to share my day with them. But for now I will allow the weight of heaviness to penetrate my soul, feel it but not stay there. To my kids I will be excited and happy and a cheerleader for both of them but when I get in my car I might just fall apart but not allow myself to stay there all day.

Winter doesn’t last forever

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 MSG

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

      Sometimes it feels like winter lasts forever. Where I live in Canada it seems we have only 2 seasons, Hot or Freezing, and I must say that freezing feels like it lasts much longer then hot. The Bible clearly says that for every season there is a time. My husband and I have been in what seems like a “winter season” for a long time. Almost 4yrs ago he lost his good full time job, and I was pregnant with our 2nd child. We went from being so excited to be pregnant, to an extreme low of his job loss.

As believers of Jesus, we knew we would get thru this season cause our source of faith wasn’t found in our jobs or bank account, but in Him. As I went off to work and my husband became a stay at home Dad overnight, things became stressful. Just because we have God doesn’t mean we don’t have ups and downs and doubts. It would of been easier in that season to do things our way but we kept to Gods plan – serve and give. God was faithful in that season. Shortly after He lost his job he got a new one. A totally different field and what seemed to be a steady job. Again we found ourselves trusting God as it was an “on call only” job.

Fast forward 4 years, we have learned SO much in this very long winter season. You really can live with less then you think you can. We downsized in houses, moved back down to the lower city, cut the cable off and I stayed home to raise our kids. We live off of 1/2 of what we made when both of us worked full time and felt broke all the time. We have more quality time with friends, each other and our kids. We are not sucked in to TV shows running our lives. We have time to read, play board games and talk.

In this season we have seen the hand of God on our family the whole time. We have seen trips given to us, gift cards come in at just the right time, Family photos done for free, a dishwasher, cash given and an abundant amount of prayers. See, God put us in this season to build us back up. He knew we where on a path of pure destruction and saved us from it. Do I wish that this season never happened, not at all. I feel that my husband and I communicate  better, our kids got the best parts of us and we learned a lot. 2015 we feel is a year of blessings. No roadblocks- just forward motion! We wait with anticipation as to what God will do this year in our finances and now know less really is more.